Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?