Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
You Might Also Like
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
yes… yes…
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”