Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
wtf is a larm clock?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say