Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

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Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*


Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.


Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.


If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.


Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.


[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?


I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.


[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!


My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.