Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
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Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
A choir of Spring onions
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”