Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…