Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
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You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Important reminders
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”