Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
When I laugh on my period
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Beware…..
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.