@bonniemcfarlane

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

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@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

@SLNerf_Herder

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

@ItsDanSheehan

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

@

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

@PRESTONinCOLOR

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

@dogfather

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

@murrman5

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@RdrJay47

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

@TheAlexNevil

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.