Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.