Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

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Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.


I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.


When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”


Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.


When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”


[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*


lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.


Her: Are you getting off early today?



My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.