Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Mission: Impossible
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Why I divorced her.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I’m being attacked 😭
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts