Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
You Might Also Like
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
when you are just born a rebel
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???