Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra