Guys, I found it.
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
the best thing i’ve ever made
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?