Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.