Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Labreador
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre