Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”