guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The dark side of Canada
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
love it when they get my name right
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg