Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.