Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Why is this me 😫
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I am also baked goods
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it