Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.