Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
You Might Also Like
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.