guys I’m going home
You Might Also Like
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.