guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.