Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
You Might Also Like
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.