Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”