Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
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Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized