guys i’ve cracked the code
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
shampoo implies shampee
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Lmao 🤣
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES