Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
You Might Also Like
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
This is me
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.