Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”