Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Life with a cat in one tweet
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out