Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.