Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
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[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Okay, I’m still confused…
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Monday?
No. Next question.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?