Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
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Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?