@OhNoSheTwitnt

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

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@fro_vo

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

@PaperWash

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@TheWoodenslurpy

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

@iwearaonesie

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

@Amusitr0n

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

@TweetToTheVoid2

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

@curlymalloy

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

@OyVeyLady

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.