Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time