Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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I was just discussing this with my cat
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.