Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area