“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.