Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Breaking news:
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.