Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I鈥檓 still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I鈥檝e read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.馃ゴ
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If you鈥檙e a size 0 we shouldn鈥檛 be able to see you.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours