Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
You Might Also Like
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about