@TheBoydP

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

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@girlfr0g

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@theevilwriter

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

@Probgoblin

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

@wildethingy

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

@JimmerThatisAll

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

@Thynebear

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

@XplodingUnicorn

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

@tastefactory

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.