a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“It’s a long story.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.