Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
yes… yes…
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Shark week, but for squirrels.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”