Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…