Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.


Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.


Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries


[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]


My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.


*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t


I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.