Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.