guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.