Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I need to get some bricks…
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Put a ring on it
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
then why did i get this email
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.