Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you