Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.