Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”