Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
You Might Also Like
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I want what they have
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.