gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
You Might Also Like
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.