Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
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Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
New menu item
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave