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ME: finally a program for me
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
why I oughta
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Haha good job!!
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it